Misogyny, Chauvinism and a Patriarchal Society - not just woke Feminism and just over a beer !

Sounds intense! This is, however, a reality for almost 70% if not 80% or 90% of women go through in their lives on an almost daily basis especially if they live in a patriarchal community.

For starters, none of men nor women even realize or can comprehend the terms because it is embedded or ingrained as a part of or in the name of “culture”. In this write–up, I do not want to solely victimize women; men too, capitulate to matriarchal power-play however this is about me and my perspective and my experiences due to which I am who I am today.

Call it gullibility or teenage naiveté, I could not assimilate male narcissism or chauvinism until my first ex duped me and walked out without a justification. And even after reconnecting after nearly 3 decades, the person does not have the modesty or humility to provide any explanation. It is just the way men in a patriarchal community are ingrained – they are taught to believe they do not owe anything to anybody. Ironically, these people can never self-elevate either. Or a reason could also be they do not simply have the fortitude to own up to their actions.

I still remember a cousin of mine mentioning it to me, trying to console me from this heartbreak, that this was my first experience with the outer world, and she said this is only the beginning! I had no idea what she meant and how could someone act like this until the next. I somehow, had enough farsightedness to think what would this person do if someone treated their sister or daughter the way they treated me?

Enter Mr. X, my ex-husband – who was a role model for such men! In fact, if they had a position of a Pope in churches where they practiced exorcism sorry – misogyny, chauvinism, and patriarchy, he would be appointed without having to apply! I would recommend it at the least!!! I was pushed into the union ship after being engaged to him for 2.5 years later. Parents in India fail to realize the engagement period is getting to know the person and to decide whether to enter a proper commitment but whatever; it happened, and I accepted with disinclination.

Mr. X believed it was okay to be physically, sexually, and mentally violent and abusive towards his woman-counterpart, more so if the task was “taming” a strong and stubborn woman especially if she was more talented and successful than you are. For some reason, perhaps again it is embedded in women that they do not relate to the term, “marital rape” and obviously, you are not taken seriously if you mention it to anybody in a patriarchal society – it is between the “husband” and his “wife”, “nothing too serious”, “you cannot throw away a marriage because your husband wants to sleep with you”.

A rape is a rape, whether you are married or not. A NO means a NO. This is for everyone who thinks it is okay for a man to sleep with his wife without her consent! Period!!

Men like Mr. X cannot be in control outside of the house to make up for their self-esteem and to feed their “manhood” through power-play, and controlling behavior.

The next thing was my daughter happened. She was not even cleaned of blood after her birth, her father had not even held her in his arms, and he expectedly exclaimed who will carry his legacy because obviously, he wanted a boy. This is the moment when I said to him, this is the last straw – I will leave you anytime from now on.

Mr. X was manipulative – he knew what would tick me off the most. He said I was dependent on him, and I was a burden; I returned to work 3 days after my daughter was born and nursing her. In 6 months’ time, I had 2 full-time corporate jobs and saved enough to build a house and support my family. Mr. X thought I climbed the ladder because I was “lucky” and not because of my potential and/or hard work.

I finally filed for separation 6 years later and Mr. X traded everything I had built against full custody of my daughter. Nothing came as a surprise anymore. There was some struggle living alone with a 6-year-old, but the peace was worth it.

He came back claiming to have changed; we carried on for a couple of years before I finally let him go.

Divorce is or maybe, used to be (unsure how the community reacts to it now) but back in the day was a taboo; people only tend to see the relationship on the surface whereas most of the iceberg is under the water, as it goes.

I was judged, condemned for letting go of my husband, and not being a “dutiful” parent or a wife; should have stayed in the marriage at least for the child? A relationship counsellor once said to me most marriages survive because of children, and rest - for society (the latter is my verdict). However, most parents do not realize the trauma they put their children through in bad marriages.

I knew I was doing right by my daughter!

It was never easy – it is not that strong people who are often labelled as “renegades”, who defy societal norms, traditions, and cultures are not insecure, nervous, fearless, or depressed; they totally do but they learn to rise above and find strength.

I had some awesome people who stood by me; I also had people who approached me to give in, not fight with my daughter’s father – without knowing both sides of the story. I am grateful to people who believed in me, I am also grateful to those who did not believe in me.

This is a message for Parents, Family, and Friends: wake up! When a woman comes to you and seeks help for marital rape, do not neglect the traumatic signs. Do not turn her away, do not tell her it happens in marriages because it should not, and it is NOT OKAY!

This is a message for Men who think they do not owe an apology, a justification, who think they are above women, who believe women are proprietary – rise above! Find humility, find your elevation. You can do better!

This is a message for women who go through this day in and day out: seek help, stay strong, and defy what does not define you.